Drinking the Catholic Kool-Aid

I never had a bumper sticker that read, “Parent of a Wiggleford Honor Roll Student”

Mostly that’s because I never had a child at Wiggleford Middle School. I doubt there IS a Wiggleford Middle School. But I digress as always.

I have taken a deep and refreshing gulp of Jesuit University Kool-Aid. And by golly, I went back for more! I have turned into one of THOSE parents who talk about their child’s school (in this case, their college).

Those of you who know me, are no doubt tired of having heard me drone on about Boston College 6287 times since my sainted child was accepted into the class of 2013.

Be aware that if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. Polite society (and a few ass hats) is still reeling from my diatribe about elementary school conferences. Easy! Easy! We’ve been over all that!

My point is: if I, “Irreverent Human Regarding ALL Things Academic”, can start droning on about a college, well, it’s a very real phenomenon.

It’s an early Christmas Miracle that my car is not covered with various stickers “Jesuits Do It Educationally” and “My kid went to Boston College and all I got was this $52,000 tuition bill!”

I have appeared in public, not attending any sort of athletic event, sporting a BC t-shirt. Holy age inappropriate attire! I knew it, and I still wore it!

Rebel or nincumpoop? You be the judge.

At the hair salon the day I was rockin’ said item, I was approached my a male Notre Dame fan (and not in a good way) who wanted to “get into it” about the infamous Holy War that is the BC/Notre Dame football game. I wasn’t even a formidable opponent (or victim) because I wasn’t able to recite any stats regarding the game.

This is all on my mind tonight as I go to pick up my beloved BC student when she comes home from school for Thanksgiving.

She better be bearing gifts. And by gifts I mean BC logo items. And by bearing, I mean handing over.

Happy Thanksgiving! Even to ass hats!

My private Idaho. Revealed.

I have a very fast mind.

It’s important for me to start with something self-congratulating. You’ll see why in a minute. But the point is, when I get on a tangent, say searching people on Facebook, one thing leads to another.

“Hmm, I wonder what ever happened to Schmitty O’Toole?” Search Schmitty O’Toole, which then makes you think of Farkas Macdougall, who in turn makes you wonder about that wench you used to work with who had a huge ass but thought she was hot.

You’re feeling me. OK, here’s the trouble. Why on Gods’ Green Earth would I EVER think that people CAN SEE THAT YOU’VE SEARCHED FOR THEM ON LINKEDIN?

See it really wasn’t Facebook.

Well Christ on a cracker (sorry Catholics, I’m having a fit), who would ever search anything if they thought people would know?

I thought I had better join the kids and post a profile on Linkedin. It’s all the rage on the intraweb, I hear.

Well one thing leads to another as I try to build my “connections” and perhaps even be “recommended.”

Who knew that unless you check the box that says “Hide my identity from those whose profiles I have visited” that “they” could see that you’d looked? My face is getting hot, and I’m not sure I’m breathing.

I have figured  out that all ex-boyfriends, former co-workers, ex-wife of my sainted husband, random neighbors from the past and various people who would have every right to think “Call the cops!” can see that I have viewed their profile. Well, again, not sure I’m breathing. Feel like entire carpool line just saw me frontally nude (and not in a good way).

Katie said it best, when I called her to explain the situation, and said “You’re going to have to move, and possibly kill yourself.”

Mental note: Don’t call Katie to talk you off the ledge.

See what happens when I do something modern? I’d better cancel my Twitter account too.

Saints vs. Saints

It’s that time of year again: Catholic school basketball season, of course.

It will be the Saints vs. the Saints at all games. Captains of both teams will be named Patrick, Luke, Matthew and John.

Mothers of said captains answer to Mary, Maureen, Katie and Colleen.

Look for the shocking combination of navy and white, red and white, or kelly green and white in this year’s uniforms.

Oh, and don’t forget: the refs? They are priests from THE OTHER parish.

Just saying.

Have a blessed basketball season!

More Badness

The main feedback we are getting is, “The book is too short!.”

Of course it is. We have self-diagnosed ADD, ADHD, Inertia, and General Laziness. Plus Yaz hasn’t cleared up our acne. Why am I speaking in the plural?

Anyway, rest assured this summer will include the feverish compiling of more essays and stories for Bad Catholic Mothers Part Two (a working title of course).

Other titles could include: “Bad Catholic Mothers-Why Are My Pants So Tight?” Or, “Bad Catholic Mothers-Satan’s Handmaidens at Play.”

Summer will also include unsightly unveiling of flesh, sneaking food and drink into pool area, and lots more weeknight drinking by moms everywhere-don’t you just love summer?

Reading/Signing April 2 7pm

Just a reminder that we will be at Birchbark Books on April 2 at 7pm to read from and sign copies of Bad Catholic Mothers-A Book of Revelations.

Yay!!

Um, Louise Erdrich loves our book. Yeah, that Louise Erdrich, the one who’s written some of the best American novels of this century, a bunch of sweet children’s books, loads of  awesome poems and has won herself a snootful of awards in the process.  I once suspected I saw Ms. Erdrich in a public bathroom; instead of approaching her to spray admiration all over her shoes, I was overcome with a spasm of panic and hid in a stall. Hid in a stall! What the hell?? Like I was afraid if I made eye contact I’d sh** a brick right there on the bathroom floor or something. 

SHE LOVED OUR BOOK! SHE’S INVITED US DO A THING AT HER SHOP!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Wheeeeeeeeeeeew…so:

APRIL 2—7PM

Birchbark Books

2115 West 21st Street

Minneapolis, MN 55405

BE THERE!

2 weeks and a hit coast to coast!

Well everybody, Bad Catholic Mothers has been available for just two weeks and the feedback has been tremendous! Katie and I have heard from friends all over the country who have bought the book and laughed themselves sick (no shot for that peeps!). Friday, February 27 is our first reading and book signing. We’ll be back with more news. Thanks for supporting Bad Catholic Mothers!

Bad Catholic Mothers-A Book of Revelations is now available!

Hi everyone! We are thrilled to report that Bad Catholic Mothers-A Book of Revelations by Lucia Duff Paul and Katie McCollow, art direction by Fran Shea  is now available!

Drop your rosary beads and race to amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com or your local bookstore to get your copy.

It’s easy to order online now, or from the big chains. We love the independents, but there may be a lag time before we show up in their databases. Give them a try though because we are huge fans of independent booksellers.

Not Catholic? Don’t fear (except for your immortal soul of course), this humorous collection of essays and vignettes from real women (and one man telling us about his mom), is for anyone who appreciates a good laugh.  It’s a fun, fast read. We had a ton of fun creating it, and we hope it brings you joy too. Tell all your friends! Or else….

Lucia and Katie

Bad Catholic Mothers-A Book of Revelations.

We asked Catholic women of all ages to tell us about their worst Catholic mothering moments, and they came flooding out of the confessionals to share their stories. Think Jesus is a smokin’ hot dude? One woman did and told a group of fellow Catholic school parents. How about the gal who told her mother (of nine) that she agreed Jesus and Mary Magdalene weren’t married, they were just friends with benefits! First Communion, Christmas, birthday parties, neighborhood gatherings, there’s no place to hide from Bad Catholic Mother behavior. 

This 68- page gift book includes the insights of real women, not humorless martyrs. We’re still working on that one.  The book includes essays and vignettes highlighting funny anecdotes that anyone, Catholic or not, will appreciate. Any reader who appreciates humor, essays, and real-life tales, will love Bad Catholic Mothers. 

Lucia Duff Paul is an advertising copywriter with 20 years experience. It was the only job she could find where reading magazines and going out for snacks resulted in a steady paycheck. 

She has written copy and created names, tag lines and theme lines for some of America’s best-known consumer product companies. She even kept a straight face while writing TV spots for adult incontinence products. She briefly considered becoming a nun, until she heard about the poverty and chastity. Two of her humorous essays were chosen as finalist and honorable mention in the 2008 HumorPress.com essay contests.

Katie McCollow won first place in the Writer’s Digest writing competition for Best Feature Article in 2007. She has been a columnist for the RedEye edition of the Chicago Tribune since 2004, focusing on pop culture and humor.  As a girl she used to lie in the confessional because she couldn’t bear for the priest to know she stole the book “Muffel and Plums” from the library behind the church.  Thirty years later, she still has the book and the priest is dead.

Fran Shea, our art director, is a graphic artist who owns and operates the design and letterpress studio, Zeichen Press, in Minneapolis. She created a pulp novel pinup girl style for this project, and submitted one of the longer essays. Fran lives with her family in Minneapolis where she is making a run at sainthood by home-schooling her three children.

The book will be available through online and retail locations. Check out amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Borders Books and independent booksellers.

Stay tuned for updates about our author events, book signings and media appearances.